broken legs

pray for my husband will you? he's speaking at a camp and while he only has one night left, it is often that one last night where all the changes finally take root and show themselves. so if you'd pray for him, not only i, but i'm sure a great many souls would be thankful.

i wanted to just share a small thought, one that i absorbed from my father, a very wise man who shared with me over a chocolate shake & bacon burger his thoughts concerning our struggle in this life to model Christ. this is what he told me:

-  we are all dancing on broken legs  -

this has been a week of failures. i failed to move the car in time for street sweeping (something b normally does for me) and as a result our month just got a little tighter. i've had some frustrating customers this week as well & while i'm confident i didn't deserve or provoke their anger i'm not as confident that i cared at all to diffuse or be extra kind to them. i've had other small things go wrong that no one has noticed but me, and always in my mind are flawed thoughts that i turn around & around, and scold myself for thinking. ive never had a perfect day & even when i have that shift at work where just maybe i won't have that customer they inevitably show up. in short, i have felt a lot of shame this week, anger & frustration. but you know what i tell myself? grace abides. ah yes, i was blind but now, oh now i see. 

about a month ago i was sharing the story of my numbers, 925 & that exact phrase about coming out of blindness. my friend asked me, "is it better to be blind or to see?" and while the answer seems obvious it holds so much pain at the same time. to see & really see what is to be seen is a difficult & tricky business. i've confronted a great deal within myself that i didn't know was there; new flaws, new failures, new things to be ashamed of & learned that having my sight is in someways a true burden. my response to the question was, "i would rather see, but i am afraid of what i will have to look at". but in all of that looking i have seen a theme emerge and that (surprise!!) has been grace. 

i am trying to dance through the path God has purposed but i am doing it with a body that is broken, a body that hurts with each graceful leap. dancing on broken legs is precisely how i feel, but i take heart in my lord who has  overcome the world & who also delights in my poor but determined dancing.

molly

waiting

"I hate waiting"  - Inigo Montoya

I don't know many people that like waiting. I enjoy the tension and excitement I feel right now when I think about Harry Potter 7.2 but that's because I'm confident that it will satisfy my expectations & I pretty much know what I'm in for (i.e. so much crying). However, when it comes to waiting and not knowing what you are waiting for, well, that's what Inigo is talking about. The man in black is going to take a while & he'll eventually come to the surface but then what? Is he a good sword fighter or a bad one? Will his banter be witty or sour? Will Inigo kill him too quickly or just quickly enough? - So many questions and none of them will be answered until the man in black is ready.

I'm sure you've realized by now that I am in a waiting period myself, but then, who isn't? We are all waiting for some answer but some of them are bigger or more pressing than others. My pastor taught this week on exactly this topic and I really needed to hear it so perhaps it will help you too.  He said that "God is content to not give you all the answers," in fact, God intentionally keeps them from you. Frustrating? Yes, because I hate not having answers, not having control, not knowing. It's uncomfortable & in some moments it's scary. The obvious purpose of waiting is that it grows (*should grow) us in our faith, trust and dependence upon God. Having grown up in church I've learned that any phrase that sounds as good as that means it's actually something really tough. I get excited when I think about this  waiting phase as a place of safety where I am awaiting a masterful plan that is going to push my husband and I into a new & challenging place in our spiritual lives. That sounds great & probably means we're in for something awful, something like "change". I believe I hate change far more than I hate waiting. So I am stuck, yes? Well, no, not quite. I've been realizing that in waiting there is a correct and an incorrect way to wait. I go  between them on a seemingly daily basis but I am really trying and learning to do it the right way. I'm finding comfort and peace in this silent place of God's will. He's told me to wait here and I am obeying, that's very good and I am happy in that. I'm trying not to "hate waiting" so much, but like Inigo I like to have a plan. But my plans have been falling away (remember that thesis thing?) & God's desire for me to wait is taking hold. In the end there probably isn't a six-fingered man waiting to be killed by me (as no one would take me seriously, shouting  "prepare to die!"), but there will be that joy that I will have if I continue to wait correctly and follow when He tells me to. 

(more to come on this "following" business at some unspecified time)

molly

a thinky thing

I have been in the depths of my mind this last month, evaluating life decisions, relationships, goals and new ideas. It's been an interesting time and a difficult one as well. Change is a'comin' and that scares just about all of us I think. 

I have made a big decision and I mean really crazy, big, drastic decision: I am no longer going to write a thesis on Hamlet. If you had suggested to me just a couple months ago an alternative option to finishing my masters degree I would have stubbornly and with determination said that I wanted to write it, to have a book, a big bunch of pages that I had written - looking back, I think it was an ego trip. I don't care anymore about the thesis, I do still care about the topic. My passion for Shakespeare hasn't died, but my drive to teach or participate in the academic community has and I am still in a little shock over it. 

My priorities have changed drastically over this last year, slowly but drastically. Bryce and I were sitting in the "New Members" class at our church, a church I have attended for every year of my life and that I am now excited to intentionally commit to. But sitting in that class our pastor started sharing different people groups that are untouched in our surrounding community. I sat there and my heart hurt for them, I wanted to talk to them, explain grace & Jesus and in that moment the grand idea of my thesis fizzled. I realized my time will be better spent without it - as I imagined and realized that reality, my stress level vanished, I was smiling, I felt value and purpose in my decision, a rightness with God. Amazing yeah? I wasn't in a church service, I wasn't even thinking about school, but God came and graced me with peace, joy, and a satisfaction in my decision to do the exam that I never could have imagined. 

I'd love to tell you more but I have to be off to work. Maybe I'll drop in later tonight, my heart is full and the blog is a little empty. I've been caught in this "thinky thing" - a fantastic little phrase my dear friend shared with me (a quote from a professor - yes, see I could teach!) - and I am coming out of it now. I am processing and getting so excited. 

Life is filling up with meaning again.

molly

the story

 "To captivate our varied and worldwide audience of all ages, the nature and treatment of the fairy tale, the legend, the myth have to be elementary, simple. Good and evil, the antagonists of all great drama in some guise, must be believably personalized. The moral ideals common to all humanity must be upheld. The victories must not be too easy. Strife to test valor is still and will always be the basic ingredient of the animated tale, as of all screen entertainments." 

~ Walt Disney   

A glimpse into the mind of a great man. Don't you love those? I find the struggle between Good and Evil fascinating as meaning could not exist if the struggle was not there. There would be no books as there would be no plot lines for them, no need for friends, for prayers, for churches, for sad movies or for places like Disneyland. While It's not that I believe that Eden wasn't actually a paradise, I know that it was and that it could have been enough, but God sees/saw/knows/has always known the power of story. He saw the need for the struggle, for  loss and victory and knew that paradise had to be lost. The singular elements of good and evil are present in every single piece and moment of your life. All of our motivations, choices, desires and dreams are determined by those two things and we fail to remember so often the fight we are in despite and because of the fact that we are in it every day.   

Today will be a good  day for me. I am going to Disneyland with my mom, meeting some dear friends to pick-up a Bridesmaid dress, having coffee and enjoying the sunshine. I am going to partake of so much good today. But as C.S. Lewis reminds us the joy I will feel today is part of The Problem of Pain - I could not feel all that I will today in it's magnitude if I couldn't compare it to times of less good, not necessarily evil times in my life though I could point to a couple events,  but times when I chose poorly (Indiana Jones) and failed to enjoy, seek, and run into the joy of good that God has created. I was told a long time ago that the most important thing in life is . . . what would you guess? I had no idea, I thought, "um, God?" - and sure that is right but only sort of. God wouldn't be important to me or the most important were it not for my Relationship with Him. The most important thing in life are relationships and I am blessed with so many.

So today I am on a quest and an easy one I think to go and enjoy some very sweet women in my life.    I am excited because today I am going to experience so much good, I am going to shower myself in the most important things in life, my friends. I think Walt really knew all of this, why else would he have created a place that is specifically designed and in fact requires relationships to enjoy? He saw the beauty in family and love and couldn't stop from just telling the stories in his films, he had to create a place that provides all of us with our own stories. That is so good.  

So thanks Walt, I don't think I could ever tell you how much the park and everything you filled it with means to me.  

"Here we go!"   

molly  

**and in case you were wondering, Disney references are in pink in part to honor the castle but also because pink is probably the most prominent color on Main Street, USA. You should go soon to see for yourself - there I just found your next excuse to go. You are so welcome!   

{pictures to follow!}

keep calm

I turned in my prospectus this week. It's an almost five page paper complete with introduction, chapter titles and outlines that summarize what I will be writing in my thesis. It felt absolutely wonderful e-mailing it off to a professor that I know will be honest and helpful. I am encouraged and feel like I just might be able to do this thing. Here's the last sentence from my paper, I'm really proud of it: 

"Shakespeare makes no attempt to promise heaven, grants no hope and offers no peace, but leaves the audience with and in the simple “silence” of death." 
- I mean you are totally missing context and everything but it's good right? Especially if I were to remind you that Hamlet's last words are "the rest is silence"? Huh huh?

Anyway, of course I am ill now, I have lost my voice and am living on orange juice and robitussin {yummy sound}. While being sick is somewhat miserable I have usually enjoyed it and this time is no different. I can't work as much, I got to go home two hours early yesterday and I enjoyed those hours by taking a nap and watching an old office episode - Grief Counseling, one of my favorites. Bryce made a super tasty hot dinner that felt wonderful to my cracked throat and then we treated ourselves to several x-files. Today I was planning on working but my body has fallen victim to a coma of sorts where it is unhappy moving and requires comfy clothes. I am happy to acquiesce. While I look and sound terrible, my heart is home. I understand all the frustration that gets blasted on facebook about being sick, but to me these winter colds and flus are a little like the weather; I can't really control it so I'll settle down, wrap myself up and enjoy what comes along. 

Browsing Etsy this morning I found my views on handling stress, illness, homework, thesis - all that perfectly reflected in a piece of art. I have been practicing this for years and it has not failed me yet. If you are sick or stressed out give it a try. 

 

Keep Calm. Enjoy it all.

molly

colors - a poem

Looking back to dark times in life is discouraging, difficult and often pushes us into reasoned sadness. As I fingered through the pages of an old journal I had reserved for my rare creative moments, I found this poem written from a time of personal despair and grief. However, when I read it the sad feelings are remembered but not allowed to hurt me.  And I feel the hope the comes out of sadness, I remember that grief brings blessing, that pain is a problem (to reference the iconic C.S. Lewis) because we must endure it to see the beauty in the end. 
{Incidentally, I think this poem will solve some of the mystery surrounding the name of my blog - enjoy}

colors

I lost the colors

my own and my ability to see them.

amber, forest, shell and cocoa tones - 

gonelostgiventaken

my daylight was darker than an unmooned sky

all the colors faded from me and lost their glow

they turned to whispy white and patched grey shades

I became dark like the close black shadows I saw around me

darker and darker till

even the whispers of white began to char

but He came

the maker of color brought light that pierced my prison black place

and my eyes

he put the green back into them

and I saw the darkness

coveringdrippingpouring out of me

he wrenched it out so I could see - 

puddles of oily black and muddy grey below -

and then He made me white.

he held me 

stretched me out

repainted me with his colors.

- written on august.8.2007 by me

oh! the places you'll work

When I was in high school I took a career test to see where I would work someday. My result: Mortuary. This was not all that odd to me since my father is and always has been a mortician (although now he is far more important and doesn't get to embalm as much as he'd like - I know - anyways . . .). Little did I actually think that career test would have such prescient knowledge but here I am, working at a mortuary.
To be accurate, I work at a bookstore and at a mortuary. I love books and selling these precious page-filled-friends of mine to young aspiring, or aged and avid readers brings me tremendous joy. It's a great job but strangely, the mortuary is always where I would rather be. There I am in contact with death, with grief, with the most uncomfortable and ignored emotions on the planet. It is a remarkable place where perspective hits a little too hard at times, but perspective is a huge gift. Yes, there are funerals that no one attends, where I am left wondering if they just lived too long or if they lived the wrong way. But then there are those funerals where everyone is smiling, celebrating, and united in the joy of their shared relationship with a singular and wonderful person. It inspires me and I love it. It is an incredible process to observe and one that you and I will go through.
Isn't that scary?
It scares me, but we forget that it faces everyone, that your family will die and that you will die. That is a piece of the perspective but let me share the rest with you: you see, death is the poetic opposite to life. As we approach or experience death, we are stunned by the importance and bursting flavors life holds. Death is a perspective in itself - and one that most people have not grown up with as the children of morticians do. The most important aspect that I have seen death illuminate is our relationship with God. I've seen many funerals void of God and therefore, void of hope. Those funerals are the most excruciating and painful to watch as no one is able to point to love, prayer, grace, God's faithfulness or meaning in their lives.
I've found Heaven to be a place of great comfort as I live this life. It sounds rather odd that it comforts me so already, but not when we recognize God's poetic perfection and His design where death inspires us to live.


I hope you found this meaning-full.


molly