faraway spring

Another little painting for you to enjoy. I love changing my desktop to different Ellenshaw paintings throughout the year and according to season. There is just something so nice about opening my computer and seeing a simple, sweet and wonder-filled scene of all my old friends. 

This one in particular has a rather peculiar effect on my heart. The picture reminds me of a spring I've lived, faraway and long ago, secret in my memory. The way the golden light shines in and how  little everyone seems beneath the canopy of fresh and quiet trees make is magical.  I had many spring moments like this as a child, running out doors with my friends, playing in the twilit park with my dad, and sailing on the cool dark ocean with my family. These fragmented memories of light and happiness  are what I feel  the glow and wonder in this painting attests to. As I look at it I feel sheltered, there's a quiet over my mind as I observe the innocent play, and my heart rests as I imagine the infinite woods rustling with life. Isn't it nice that through art those moments of a faraway spring can come rushing back? I hope you feel some of that as you look on this, allow your heart and mind to sink into that dear child within you and rejoice over a few memories. Please feel free to share below, I'd love to listen.

molly

Atlas Shrugged

Alright my dears, I have decided that I can trust you and because of that I have decided that it's time for me to confess my complete and slightly unwholesome obsession with a book called Atlas Shrugged. Ayn Rand published the book in 1957, it weighs in around 1060 pages and it continues to be a top-seller in book stores to this day. I started the monster in 2008, it took me roughly four months to read it, it's a very long book and not for the uncommitted reader. To say I became obsessed is accurate except that it doesn't fully express how every single thought, comment and idea that popped into my head over ensuing year revolved around the book. I breathed it, and got so passionate about it I would sweat. I knew it was bad when Bryce said he couldn't take anymore. I broke the patience of the most patient man I know, he lets me tap his face endlessly to my own amusement but he couldn't take any more of Atlas. Needless to say n reading it I learned many things about myself, how neurotic I could be, but more importantly, I saw my moral and economic outlook change as I recognized Rand's belief that they are steadfastly linked to each other. Rand's philosophy deems people that work hard, earn their own living, who don't rely on the charity or sympathy of others as morally and economically upright individuals. She condemns free-loaders, looters, and anyone willing to complain before they are willing to work. She treats these kinds of people as evil, immoral, shameful and untrustworthy. - It sounds just and I love it, parts of it. She motivates me to work because I am conscious of the fact that as I work I am fairly, morally and truly earning the lifestyle that I have. It is a great feeling, I am indebted to no one, I've made it on my own, I worked hard and I deserve what I have. However, in the novel, Rand takes this philosophy of "objectivism" and applies it to  every aspect of human life: sex, love, work, clothing, relationships, etc . . .

In short, Life of Capitalism = Good, Life of Communism/Socialism = Really Bad/ you suck.

Problematically for me, I couldn't get my Christian philosophy reconciled to Rand's objective outlook. The problem for me, was grace. Grace is never earned or deserved, I am and will always be indebted to the sacrifice of Jesus and I can do nothing to decrease the cost. This was very, very frustrating to the fresh Atlas fanatic that I was. In seeking to reconcile these philosophies I knew I could not accept anything that conflicted with Biblical truth so I turned down the idea of having to earn the love of my husband and chose to just accept it. For example, despite the fact that I failed to do the dishes last night, he still told me he loved me today (yes!). I have limited Rand's philosophy to my work attitude, it boosts me to go and put in the hours, do my job well and in a way that I will be proud of. It is so satisfying to work and leave thrilled with what I got accomplished (even if it was explaining to a dear old man that wifi means "wireless" and no, we don't have a cord to connect your wifi nook to the wireless internet).

I have had to acknowledge that I am not a rational, heroic character out of Rand's book. I am a flawed person, in need of grace, in need of so much more than I can get for myself. Lately, God has been sprinkling money about the earth for Bryce and I. Last week I found a little pile of $3 at school, Bryce found a $50 on a car a few months back and I am always finding pennies or dimes on the ground wherever I go. Our parents have been generous to us in chipping in on groceries and blessing us with sweet gifts. All of that is all money we haven't earned, but God's love and grace has brought it to us. Therefore I will be thankful. I will also go to work tomorrow with the goal of earning enough money to purchase this bracelet conceptualized in Atlas Shrugged. 

 It's made of Reardon Steel! I WANT IT NOW. 

Go read the book and you'll understand how I could so passionately want to earn something as ugly as this.

molly

a fine frazzle

it's been a whirl wind of a week, or month, or whatever that was that just passed me by. oh yeah, the whole beginning of the year! my goodness, how has so much time frittered away? I know I haven't been too attentive to my little bloggy here but that is to blame for two things: school & american idol (with emphasis on Steven Tyler). yes, I am pretty hooked. It's not a show where I've religiously watched season after season but I like mocking people in the beginning at the city auditions and after that my interest inevitably fizzles. however, this year has me interested mostly because of the intelligent, well-versed and actually qualified judges. pretty fun. I'm not sure who I'm voting for yet, I don't think I've ever voted before so making sure I really weigh all the pros and cons and make the right decision could take me some time. I am really into the Paul McDonald guy, so soft-funky that it's ridiculous - like this blog - I mean this one in particular not the whole blog
. . . eeegh. 

obviously I'm up way too late, dishes are in the sink and my brain is more than a fine mess. just wanted to chat. also, I have an x-files dance, yes, it's a legitimate dance that I perform whenever the intro music comes on. I'm proud of it and will probably never share it with any of you because I like to tease like this. 

you'll just have to ask bryce.

good night!

molly

thin mints

Have you seen the office episode where every time Jim restarts his computer he gives Dwight an altoid? It is one of my favorite pranks that he pulls but I also love it because I am a victim of taste association. 
As a child I was home-schooled which may have provided far more opportunities for this than normal, plus I am a creature of habits, - although I perceive them as splendid traditions I have with myself -  they are really just solid habits. Some examples, at lunch time my mom would make me a grilled cheese sandwich and we would listen to Dr. Laura's radio show. While she isn't on that station any longer and I don't eat nearly as much grilled cheese as I ought to now, I still think of her anytime I am enjoying one.  I also used to watch cartoons in the mornings with my brother and would chow down Captain Crunch during episodes of Transformers - they went together somehow in my head, beyond the food association thing, I don't see a theme really but it's there, trust me cause I feel it. yes. Now my favorite association that does have a theme although I am realizing it is ridiculous, and is also the reason for this post: the annual re-awakening of my taste buds that happens when a fresh CASE of thin min girl scout cookies arrives at my home.  
Thin mints are my favorite,  I actually do refuse to eat any other kind as I see no point in indulging in lesser things. Well, here's what I did while I would eat thin mints, I would watch (usually with my dad) Anne of Green Gables or Anne of Avonlea. I dearly love those movies, they hold truth, joy, humor, the frustrations and wonders of youth and the hassle of growing up. Anne always had a spirit of strength and a sort of independence that didn't repulse me, she still needed, loved and desired other people while being a solid person on her own two feet. I love that about her. I would devour thin mints as my eyes poured over the beauties of Prince Edward Island and Anne began the story reading Tennyson by a stream.

The swift transportation into the past memories of a happy child-life via a small cookie is what I am cherishing tonight before I head off to class. I am so grateful that my mom allowed me the indulgence of treats, that she and my father surrounded and filled my life with films, radio, books and conversation that stimulated and impressed me in tender ways I am only now realizing. What a sweet thing life is.

Go buy yourself your favorite cookie and consider beginning a tradition for yourself, create that connection to something you will love to remember and enjoy it. Also, feel free to send a box of thin mints my way next time you see me, I'm sure I will have room in my freezer, I plan on getting together with Anne very soon.

molly

oh! and that odd theme that I found between Anne of Green Gables and thin minds is just that the thin mints are in a green box just like the eaves of Green Gables. Oh man, that will blow my professor away tonight : )

the story

 "To captivate our varied and worldwide audience of all ages, the nature and treatment of the fairy tale, the legend, the myth have to be elementary, simple. Good and evil, the antagonists of all great drama in some guise, must be believably personalized. The moral ideals common to all humanity must be upheld. The victories must not be too easy. Strife to test valor is still and will always be the basic ingredient of the animated tale, as of all screen entertainments." 

~ Walt Disney   

A glimpse into the mind of a great man. Don't you love those? I find the struggle between Good and Evil fascinating as meaning could not exist if the struggle was not there. There would be no books as there would be no plot lines for them, no need for friends, for prayers, for churches, for sad movies or for places like Disneyland. While It's not that I believe that Eden wasn't actually a paradise, I know that it was and that it could have been enough, but God sees/saw/knows/has always known the power of story. He saw the need for the struggle, for  loss and victory and knew that paradise had to be lost. The singular elements of good and evil are present in every single piece and moment of your life. All of our motivations, choices, desires and dreams are determined by those two things and we fail to remember so often the fight we are in despite and because of the fact that we are in it every day.   

Today will be a good  day for me. I am going to Disneyland with my mom, meeting some dear friends to pick-up a Bridesmaid dress, having coffee and enjoying the sunshine. I am going to partake of so much good today. But as C.S. Lewis reminds us the joy I will feel today is part of The Problem of Pain - I could not feel all that I will today in it's magnitude if I couldn't compare it to times of less good, not necessarily evil times in my life though I could point to a couple events,  but times when I chose poorly (Indiana Jones) and failed to enjoy, seek, and run into the joy of good that God has created. I was told a long time ago that the most important thing in life is . . . what would you guess? I had no idea, I thought, "um, God?" - and sure that is right but only sort of. God wouldn't be important to me or the most important were it not for my Relationship with Him. The most important thing in life are relationships and I am blessed with so many.

So today I am on a quest and an easy one I think to go and enjoy some very sweet women in my life.    I am excited because today I am going to experience so much good, I am going to shower myself in the most important things in life, my friends. I think Walt really knew all of this, why else would he have created a place that is specifically designed and in fact requires relationships to enjoy? He saw the beauty in family and love and couldn't stop from just telling the stories in his films, he had to create a place that provides all of us with our own stories. That is so good.  

So thanks Walt, I don't think I could ever tell you how much the park and everything you filled it with means to me.  

"Here we go!"   

molly  

**and in case you were wondering, Disney references are in pink in part to honor the castle but also because pink is probably the most prominent color on Main Street, USA. You should go soon to see for yourself - there I just found your next excuse to go. You are so welcome!   

{pictures to follow!}

keep calm

I turned in my prospectus this week. It's an almost five page paper complete with introduction, chapter titles and outlines that summarize what I will be writing in my thesis. It felt absolutely wonderful e-mailing it off to a professor that I know will be honest and helpful. I am encouraged and feel like I just might be able to do this thing. Here's the last sentence from my paper, I'm really proud of it: 

"Shakespeare makes no attempt to promise heaven, grants no hope and offers no peace, but leaves the audience with and in the simple “silence” of death." 
- I mean you are totally missing context and everything but it's good right? Especially if I were to remind you that Hamlet's last words are "the rest is silence"? Huh huh?

Anyway, of course I am ill now, I have lost my voice and am living on orange juice and robitussin {yummy sound}. While being sick is somewhat miserable I have usually enjoyed it and this time is no different. I can't work as much, I got to go home two hours early yesterday and I enjoyed those hours by taking a nap and watching an old office episode - Grief Counseling, one of my favorites. Bryce made a super tasty hot dinner that felt wonderful to my cracked throat and then we treated ourselves to several x-files. Today I was planning on working but my body has fallen victim to a coma of sorts where it is unhappy moving and requires comfy clothes. I am happy to acquiesce. While I look and sound terrible, my heart is home. I understand all the frustration that gets blasted on facebook about being sick, but to me these winter colds and flus are a little like the weather; I can't really control it so I'll settle down, wrap myself up and enjoy what comes along. 

Browsing Etsy this morning I found my views on handling stress, illness, homework, thesis - all that perfectly reflected in a piece of art. I have been practicing this for years and it has not failed me yet. If you are sick or stressed out give it a try. 

 

Keep Calm. Enjoy it all.

molly

x-files

Yes, x-files.  This show has been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember. My parents (for reasons they have still left unexplained - much like many x-files themselves) allowed us to watch the show from it's very beginning, in 1993. I was 7. I'll allow you time to recover your shock, I am floored actually, I was pretty sure I was 10. Wow mom & dad, wow.  
Yes, the show completely terrified me; I hated the dark, I was convinced someone was going to steal me through my bedroom window, and I was sure there was something living in my closet. The show led me to be perhaps one of the most paranoid children ever, even to this day I find myself freaked out by mirrors, windows and bath curtains. However, I loved and continue to love the show. The intrigue, unexpectedness, and the desire "to believe" in the unthinkable. The idea that "The Truth is Out There" - is so awesome.   
Why this is relevant: when I first met Bryce he had never seen an episode of x-files, not surprising now since he also would have been only 7. I guess I either finally piqued his interest or he couldn't take my ravings anymore, but about 2 months ago we settled down to watch the pilot episode via netflix. It had been years, maybe even a decade since I had watched that episode but I found myself mouthing phrases and remembering exact images from the show. While it was still creepy, I was filled with nostalgia and joy over memories, my connection & familiarity with the show. I realized that I could handle the x-files now, appreciate them truly and enjoy every one of Scully & Mulder's adventures, even their worst: those long treks through dark woods with flashlights in hand just ready to illuminate the face of an alien or night-monster - they are always doing that and it is always creepy.  
Since that night we have made our way through season one all the way up to "The Host," better known as the "Fluke Man" episode - a total classic and one that made me remember why I was so scared of toilets as a kid. Watching the x-files now is a leap back to some of my favorite characters, the Lone Gun Men, the mysterious cigarette smoking man, and of course Dana and Fox.  
I have at last found the perfect two-step method that I believe will help anyone to watch the x-files without getting too freaked out:   
1. watch them previously so that when you watch the whole series a second time you can relax and say to yourself, "hah! I've already seen this one!"  
2. make sure you are married or have a sweet roommate so that you don't have to go to sleep all alone. This is the MOST important step. If not followed properly, extreme cases of creeps and lack of sleep may (will) occur.   
I'm not sure if this is an endorsement to go watch it or not but here is a blast from a long-ago halloween past, my dear little brother and I as Scully and Mulder complete with FBI badges: 
  

*Note: this photo is also included to provide evidence of the fact that these young children were most likely far too young to be THIS familiar with such a creepy show. Parents ought to be examined (only sort of kidding here).    

molly